AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarGeorge Santos to Spend More Time with Imaginary Familyverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an announcement that many in Washington felt was overdue, Representative George Santos said that he was resigning from Congress to spend more time with his imaginary family. “As much as I’ve loved this job, it’s taken me away from my kids,” he said. “And to them I …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarClarence Thomas Collapses from Exhaustion After First Full Day of Regulating Himselfverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Clarence Thomas collapsed from exhaustion after putting in what he described as a “punishing day” of regulating himself under the Supreme Court’s new code of conduct. Although critics have called the Court’s new rules “toothless” and “unenforceable,” the strain of …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarNation Terrified That Mike Johnson Is the Adult in the Roomverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzUNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are terrified by the dawning realization that Rep. Mike Johnson is the adult in the room, millions of Americans have confirmed. Across the country, residents of the United States were initially cheered by the possibility that an …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarIvanka Unable to Remember Name of Her Fatherverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzNEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Ivanka Trump raised eyebrows during her testimony in a Manhattan courtroom on Wednesday when she appeared unable to remember her father’s name. Responding to a question from Judge Arthur F. Engoron about Donald J. Trump’s business dealings, Ms. Trump stared blankly and …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarFurious Ohio Republicans Report Widespread Incidents of Women Votingverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzOHIO (The Borowitz Report)—Irate Republican officials in Ohio have been crying foul over Tuesday night’s election results, claiming that there were “widespread cases” of women voting across the state. Harland Dorrinson, a G.O.P. operative in Lake County, said that he had “eyewitness accounts” of …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarGinni Thomas Says Mike Johnson’s Wife Seems a Little Crazyverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Expressing concern about the wife of the new Speaker of the House, Ginni Thomas said that Kelly Johnson “seems a little crazy” to her. “I don’t know Kelly personally, so this is just based on what I’ve read,” Thomas said. “But I have to say—she comes off like kind of …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarMike Pence Returns Four Dollars to Donorsverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Two days after suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination, former Vice-President Mike Pence has returned four dollars to his donors. Speaking to reporters, Pence said that he took pride in the fact that his campaign has been funded …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarJohnson Promises to Be Greatest Speaker of the Seventeenth Centuryverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stirring acceptance speech after being elected Speaker of the House, Rep. Mike Johnson vowed to be “the greatest Speaker of the seventeenth century.” “For years, time travel was the stuff of science fiction,” he said. “Now, as I take this majestic nation back …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarGeorge Santos Declares Jim Jordan’s Identity Not Worth Stealingverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest setback to Rep. Jim Jordan’s bid to be Speaker of the House, Rep. George Santos has declared the Ohio congressman’s identity “not worth stealing.” Minutes after Jordan lost the first round of voting for Speaker, Santos took to the floor of the House and …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarJim Jordan’s Speaker Bid in Jeopardy After He Accidentally Locks Himself in Bathroomverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rep. Jim Jordan’s bid to become Speaker of the House faced a new obstacle after news spread that he had accidentally locked himself in his congressional bathroom. The Ohio congressman, who had been expected to meet with holdouts opposing his candidacy, was missing …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarRepublican Intern Named Zach to Be Speaker of the Houseverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what they are hailing as a consensus choice, House Republicans have nominated a college intern named Zach to be the new Speaker of the House. The freshly minted G.O.P. nominee acknowledged that he was “kind of surprised” to be chosen as Speaker but said that he …
AvatarThe New YorkerAvatarAvatarGeorge Santos Says If G.O.P. Lets Him Stay in Congress He Will Stop Using Their Credit Cardsverified_publisherThe New Yorker - Andy BorowitzWASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rep. George Santos has promised his fellow House Republicans that, if they allow him to remain in Congress, he will stop using their credit cards. “I can understand why you’d be pretty honked off at me for putting patio furniture and duvet covers and whatnot on your …